As parents, we want to teach our kids, keep them safe, and help them become respectful, confident adults. But how do we set healthy limits without going too far and being controlling? The most important thing is to see boundaries as a way to teach, not to control.
What are good limits?
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Setting Limits Without Being Bossy
1. Start with Calm Confidence. When setting boundaries, don't be angry or frustrated.
Your body language and tone of voice are just as important as what you say.
2. Use Firm But Loving Language. Make your state lines clear, but do so with kindness.
Instead of saying, "Turn off the TV right now!" try saying, "It's time to turn off the TV." I know you want to keep watching.
3. Give people options and "creative yeses"
Redirect instead of just saying "no" whenever you can.
Instead of saying, "Don't pull the cat's fur," say, "Let's practice touching the cat with soft hands."
4. Be consistent. Kids do better when they know what to expect. If a behaviour isn't okay today, it shouldn't be okay tomorrow, even if you're tired.
Calmly follow through with any consequences you talked about.
5. Set limits for yourself
Let your child know that everyone has limits. Knock before you go into their room, and respect their things. They should do the same for you.
Show how to say what you need in a polite way.
6. Pay attention to guidance, not control.
Don't micromanage. Instead, set the limit and let your child make decisions within it.
You can choose to do your homework before or after dinner, but it has to be done before bed.
7. Understand and talk to each other
Recognise how your child feels about the limit.
Encourage open conversation: "I hear you're upset about turning off the TV." That's tough. "Let's find something else fun to do together."
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Examples from real life
Personal Items: "We ask each other before we borrow things." I'll do the same with your toys.
Body Boundaries: "Your body is yours." You can say no to a hug, and other people should respect that.
"I need quiet time to work on my time management." "Let's set a timer for when we can play together."
Why Boundaries Don't Control: When set with respect and consistency, boundaries teach kids how to be responsible, care about others, and respect them. They aren't about punishment or strict control; they're about teaching kids how to safely and confidently get around in the world. Keep in mind that your job is to guide, not to control. Modelling respectful behaviour, setting clear expectations, getting your child involved in organising, and using fun activities are all good ways to teach your child to respect other people's things.
Show how to act with respect: Kids learn by watching adults. Show them how to take care of their own and other people's things by putting things away neatly, cleaning up after themselves, and always asking before borrowing something. Tell a story about what you did and why it's important to take care of your things.
Set Clear Expectations: Tell people simple, clear rules about how to treat their things. For instance, "We always ask before using someone else's things," or "Toys go back in their bins after play." Let your child help make these rules and routines so they feel like they have to follow them.
Set aside personal spaces: Give your child a place to keep their things, like a shelf or toy box. This helps them learn about ownership and responsibility, and it also makes them want to keep their things neat.
Use role-playing and storytelling to help: Your child practices asking for permission to use someone else's things. They learn how it feels when someone takes their things without asking and how important it is to ask first by role-playing.
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